


What Happens In York

by wenchofthewest



Category: Downton Abbey, Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Codependency, Drag Balls, Drugged Sex, M/M, Non-consensual sex, Sexual Content, VD/The Clap, cross-dressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6852406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wenchofthewest/pseuds/wenchofthewest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas becomes so involved in his job as the Abbey's new butler that he neglects Jimmy, cancelling an overnight trip they'd planned.  Jimmy spends the time on his own in York, where he attends a party he learns about from a note left in the loo of a York pub.  Jimmy learns that what happens in York doesn't always stay in York, and that his real crisis is deeper than just Thomas' neglect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This Thommy story deals with codependency, where Jimmy essentially loses himself in his deep love relationship with Thomas. Parts of the story are dark and intense, per the tags. There is a happy (actually, bittersweet) ending, though.
> 
> Let me know what you think, I really appreciate comments on the story, characters, or whatever.
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read!

Thomas Barrow and Jimmy Kent were asleep in Mr. Carson's old bedroom, the one he'd had before he'd married Mrs. Hughes and moved out of the big house. They were lying in his old bed, which was a bit larger than Thomas' previous bed, but still a snug fit for two men.

Jimmy woke up and glanced at the clock on the nightstand: 6 a.m.  Still a whole hour before either of them had to get up.

Jimmy was lying behind Thomas, and he reached over the sleeping man and slid his hand down to his prick. He began kissing the nape and sides of Thomas' neck.

"I _want_ ya, Thomas...," Jimmy breathed in Thomas' ear.

Thomas stirred slightly. Jimmy began stroking Thomas' prick and nipping playfully at his ear.

"I _need_ ya, Thomas...," he breathed, louder this time.

Thomas didn't move.

"C'mon on, love," Jimmy whined softly. "Ya fell asleep on me last night."

"Uuuuuuuooooh, I _so_ want to, Jimmy...," Thomas moaned longingly.

"Well, then let's _do_ it," said Jimmy. "Yer the butler now, ya can do whatever ya want."

Thomas rolled onto his back, and Jimmy moved over.

"I didn't finish the grocery order last night," said Thomas, "and it has to be ready when the grocer comes by this morning."

"Let Mrs. Patmore do it," Jimmy insisted.

"It's _my_ job, love, not hers," said Thomas.

Thomas kissed Jimmy and climbed out of bed. Jimmy propped himself up on his elbows and watched as Thomas poured water into the basin to wash and shave.

"I thought when ya made butler we'd have _more_ time together," said Jimmy, "but instead we have _less_. We hardly even make love anymore because yer either up half the night doin' the books or ya fall asleep."

Thomas lathered up his dark stubble and began to shave.

"I'm still learning, and there are _so_ many things that require my attention."

"Obviously _I_ ain't one of 'em."  Jimmy flopped back down in bed and pulled the sheet up under his chin. "Maybe I should add m'name to one o' 'em bloody lists yer always scribblin', right there after inventoryin' th'wine fer the hundredth time."

Thomas glanced at Jimmy in the mirror. "I have to account fer _every_ bottle in that cellar, Jimmy."

Jimmy met Thomas' eyes in the reflection. "Ah, tha's right, some unsavory footman or valet might steal one...or two."  His eyes twinkled with amusement, and he grinned.

"That's _not_ funny, Jimmy," Thomas said with no hint of humor.

" _Christ_ , ya can't even take a joke no more," Jimmy said. "Yer truly turnin' into Mr. Carson."

"I've worked fourteen years at the Abbey for this, and I want to _succeed_ ," Thomas said. " _Please_ try to understand."

"I understand tha' _I_ still love you, Thomas, but _you_ love yer new position more than anything else, including me."

Thomas paused his shaving and turned to look at Jimmy.

"That is _not_ true."

" _Shite_ it's not...," Jimmy muttered, turning away from Thomas and closing his eyes.

@@@

Later that morning, Thomas entered the butler's pantry, where Jimmy was polishing the silver. He took a deep breath and began speaking.

"Jimmy, His Lordship has asked me to put together a budget for the next three months."

Jimmy continued to rub the tea-service sugar bowl he was working on. He glanced at Thomas and grinned his curly grin.

"Sounds like fun."

Thomas continued. "This is the first budget I've ever done, and Mr. Carson is going to help me with it."

Jimmy continued to polish.

"Mr. Carson wants to work on it this Friday and Saturday, as he and Mrs. Hughes will be gone visiting family all of next week."

Jimmy stopped polishing and looked at Thomas.

"Those are the days we've planned fer our trip to York," said Jimmy.

Thomas nodded.  Jimmy threw down the polish rag.

"Damn it, Thomas, tha's the _second_ time ya've postponed it."

"I know, I know...," Thomas lamented, "and I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Ya said tha'  _last_ time, too," said Jimmy.

Thomas looked at Jimmy, pleadingly. "Jimmy, what can I do?  I've never done a budget before, and I _need_ Mr. Carson's help."

Jimmy picked up the rag and angrily resumed polishing.

Thomas stood next to him and caressed his cheek. Jimmy looked at Thomas, his face registering profound hurt.

"It _will_ get better, I _promise_ ," Thomas said, gazing into Jimmy's eyes. "As I learn the job, I'll get better at it, and I'll have more time for us."

Jimmy looked into the crystalline eyes, wanting so much to believe the sincerity in them.

Thomas added, "In the meantime, why don't you work on your music? Or perhaps find some new interests?"

"Bein' loved by you shouldn't be an interest anymore?" Jimmy said sharply.

Thomas looked at him helplessly, opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind and left the pantry.

@@@

The day they'd originally planned to leave on their trip, Jimmy rose early, dressed in tweeds, and packed a small bag. He went downstairs and had breakfast. Then, he slung the bag over his shoulder and headed towards the back door.

Thomas, whom he'd missed at breakfast, was coming down the hall and saw him.

"Jimmy, where're you going?" he asked.

"I have two days off, remember?" Jimmy said. "I'm gonna relax and enjoy m'self, if not with you, then on m'own."

"Doing what?"

"Dunno," Jimmy said, grinning. "We'll see what the day brings...."

He headed out the door, slamming it behind him, and hurried down the drive, away from the Abbey.


	2. Chapter 2

Jimmy caught the bus to York, arriving there in time to explore a bit before lunch.

At a pub, he ordered fish n' chips. Afterwards, he found the loo. Someone had left a magazine in the stall, stuck between the wallboards. Jimmy removed it and flipped through the pages. He stopped at the classifieds and read a few:

_Refined gentleman seeks chums with similar artistic and literary interests, including museums, the theatre, and the writings of Oscar Wilde._

_A gentleman who enjoys the more refined offerings of life, including beautifully appointed rooms, finely made clothes, and the works of Walt Whitman, is seeking others with such interests._

_Generous older gent seeks athletic, youthful friends for sharing sports and holidays._

It dawned on him that many of these ads seemed to have been placed by men seeking other men, but were carefully worded to be open to various interpretations.

Tucked within the pages of the magazine was a note on which the following information was scrawled in ink:

 _Party_  
_Today's date, 8:00 PM - 1:00 AM_  
_69 Scarborough Lane_  
_York_

_Theda Bara, Clara Bow, Greta Garbo, Mary Pickford, Lillian Gish_

Were these movie actresses attending this party??? Or maybe their moving pictures were being shown?  Whatever it was, Jimmy's curiosity was piqued and he knew he had to be there to see for himself.

@@@

When Jimmy knocked on the door of 69 Scarborough Lane, it was opened by a woman. Or rather a man who was dressed and made up to look like a woman. From inside the house, Jimmy could hear festive voices, laughter, and music.

"Yes?" asked the man.

"Hullo, I'm here fer the party," Jimmy replied.

"And you are...?"

"Jimmy Kent."

"Well, Jimmy Kent, I'm Nigel. Did you bring your attire?" 

"M'what?"

"Your _gown?_ " Nigel asked impatiently. "Your _make-up?_ "

"No, I don't have any," said Jimmy.

"We'll have to remedy that, come with me."

Nigel took Jimmy's arm and pulled him into the house, through the entry, and into the living room, which was filled with men, most of them dressed as women. They were talking, laughing, drinking, dancing, kissing, and smoking.  Jazzy music was blaring from a gramophone.

Some of the men clearly looked like men, but others looked like beautiful women-- _exquisite_ women--with elaborate make-up, wigs, and clothes.  They wore every style of feminine dress, from evening gowns to kimonos and saris.  They were dressed as Marie Antoinette, complete with the powdered wig, and Cleopatra, in shimmering gold.  Everywhere Jimmy looked there were feathers, false eyelashes, full-length gloves, boas, sparkles, jewels, long cigarette holders, high heels, and red lips.

Nigel took Jimmy upstairs into a bedroom and sat him down in a satin-covered slipper chair.  He combed back Jimmy's blond waves and scrutinized his face.

"God, you _are_ a handsome thing, aren't you?" Nigel said. "Let's do your eyes. Close 'em so I can apply some shadow."

Jimmy closed his eyes, and Nigel began brushing several shades of eye shadow onto Jimmy's eyelid and brow bone.  He did the same to the other eye. Then, he took eye liner and lined Jimmy's eye lids. With a pencil, he skillfully shaped Jimmy's eyebrows into graceful arches.

"Okay, open and I'll do your mascara."

Jimmy opened his eyes, and Nigel applied mascara to his upper and lower eyelashes.

Next, he applied rouge to his cheeks and finally lipstick.  "To show off those full lips of yours," Nigel said.

He handed Jimmy a mirror, and Jimmy about fell out of the chair when he saw his reflection.

"Blimey, I'm feckin' gorgeous!" he declared, grinning his curly grin.

Nigel laughed and nodded.  "Yes, you are.  Now, for your hair, hold on...."  Nigel went to a closet and began rummaging through boxes.  He emerged with a curled, chin-length, platinum-blond wig.  Nigel put a cap over Jimmy's hair and then carefully applied the wig.

Jimmy looked in the mirror and was once again floored by what he saw.  He looked like a female picture star!

"You'll need a dress," Nigel said, shuffling through the gowns on hangers in the closet....

When Jimmy walked down the stairs into the living room, every head turned to watch, for he was indeed stunningly beautiful.  Nigel had found him a sapphire-blue gown that elegantly draped his body and exposed his toned arms.  Jimmy made his way through the crowd, trying to find the liquor.

"You look like Marlene Dietrich," came a voice behind him.  He turned to see a tall young man made up to resemble Clara Bow.  "The planes of your face and your lips."

"Who's tha'?" Jimmy asked.

"A German actress.  She's doin' stage now, but wait till she hits film.  She's goin' to be _huge_."

The young man was also extremely beautiful, with large brown eyes, strong features, creamy skin, and a head full of brown curls.  He extended his hand.

"Alex Pitney."

Jimmy shook the hand.  "Jimmy Kent."

"Is this your first ball?"

"Yes," Jimmy replied. "And you?"

"Oh, I've been to lots," said Alex, grinning. "It's one of the many ways I occupy myself while my lover is with his wife and children in London."

Suddenly the gramophone began blasting "Just a Little Thing Called Rhythm."

"George Olsen," Jimmy exclaimed. "Love this tune!"

"Let's dance then," said Alex, grinning.

They danced the fox trot.  Many other men were dancing, too.  Several other songs played, and Jimmy and Alex danced to all of them.  Then Alex grabbed glasses of champagne for them off a tray.

Jimmy downed the champagne, and Alex got him another.

Suddenly the music stopped playing, and Nigel climbed up onto a makeshift stage.

"We're going to choose our Queen now," said Nigel. "After you've seen all the contenders, we'll go 'round again, and you can cast your vote by applauding for your favorite."

The contenders came up onto the stage and did their walks and routines in character with the women they portrayed.  Theda Bara, Lillian Gish, Greta Garbo, Mary Pickford, and (another) Clara Bow were all contenders.  So were Marie Antoinette and Cleopatra.  There was also a saloon girl, a geisha, a Gibson girl, and a Flamenco dancer.  Jimmy couldn't get over how magnificent they all looked.  Many of the men were _more_ beautiful than actual women.

"Nigel does the _best_ Garbo," Alex commented, "but he's the host tonight so he can't compete."

The contest was just about to move on to the voting phase, when a bloke ran into the living room and yelled at the top of his lungs, " _Police!!!_ "

" _Shite!_ " yelled Nigel. "They couldn't have waited till one???"

The crowd scattered to the rear and sides of the house, and the living room was quickly emptied.  The men had obviously been through this before and knew what to do.

"Quick, get inside," said Alex, pushing Jimmy into a closet under the stairs and climbing in after him. He shut the door and turned the key in the lock. The closet had obviously been outfitted as a hiding place because it locked from the inside.

Soon, there was yelling and whistle blowing and running and the sound of Nigel swearing.  Alex and Jimmy stayed in the closet for nearly an hour, not making a sound, until it grew very quiet outside.  Then Alex unlocked the closet and opened the door.

Nigel was smoking a cigar and cleaning up.  He'd removed his wig and dress, but left on his brassiere and falsies, which were now lopsided.  The results looked so comical that Jimmy had to laugh.

Nigel removed his cigar and grinned. "Well, the party's over, lads, thanks to bloody York Police."

"Why didn't they arrest you?" Jimmy asked.

"I paid 'em off, like I always do," said Nigel. "But everyone _still_ had to leave.  Jimmy, your clothes are up in my bedroom, and there's face cream, too, so you can take off the icing." He admired Jimmy. "You really _are_ a beautiful man, you know."

"Thank you," said Jimmy, "I enjoyed yer party very much."

"You're welcome anytime, lad."  Nigel grinned and stuck the cigar back in his mouth.

Alex and Jimmy went upstairs, changed their clothes, and removed their make-up.  Then they left Nigel's house.

"Where're ya headed now?" Alex asked as they walked down the driveway.

"Goin' to get a room at an inn I saw a few blocks away," said Jimmy.

"Save your money," said Alex. "I have a flat here in York.  You're welcome to the sofa.  It's quite comfortable."

Alex's flat was one room with a small kitchen and its own bath.  Alex lay in his bed and Jimmy on the sofa.

"There's this wonderful lake just outside town," said Alex. "Maybe we can have a swim after breakfast."

They next day, they went to the lake.  There was a knotted rope hanging from the branch of a large oak tree that extended over the water.  Jimmy had only seen these in pictures and paintings, usually with Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn types in cut-off shorts clinging to them as the sailed over the water, their friends cheering them on from below.  They were a symbol of the kind of idyllic childhood summers that Jimmy had vague memories of.  
  
Jimmy and Alex swung on the rope and did cannonballs into the water for hours, shouting at the tops of their lungs as they flew through the air and landed with huge splashes.

Jimmy was laughing so hard, his stomach began to ache.  Afterwards, they lay on their backs sunning themselves.

"So what d'ya do, Alex?" Jimmy asked.  He grinned. "Besides dressing up like a beautiful woman and goin' to parties?"

Alex chuckled. "Well, I'm trained as a bookkeeper, but right now, I'm a kept man.  My lover is a married banker who lives in London.  He gives me enough to pay the rent on my flat and basic expenses.  In return, I'm available whenever he's down here in York, which is once or twice a week.  How 'bout you?

"I'm first footman in a large house.  I have to return tonight, in fact."

"Sounds very grand."

"It's not," said Jimmy. "M'Thomas is very busy with his new job as the butler these days, so here I am on m'own fer what was supposed to be _our_ trip."

"I know how that is," said Alex. "My Stanley has to cancel sometimes because of his family or job.  It's hard if yer looking forward to the visit."

"It weren't like this when Thomas was under-butler," said Jimmy. "Things were much better then.  He _always_ had time fer me.  I was his first priority.  Now, I don't even make the list."

Jimmy flipped onto his stomach and rested his head on his folded arms.  He looked over at Alex, who was still lying on his back with his eyes closed.

"I mean tha' literally, too," he continued. "Thomas has a book he writes in tha's full o' lists, things he has to do or order, n I'm nowhere t'be found.  I know 'cause I looked."

Alex laughed. "What would you expect him to write about you in his book of lists?"

"I dunno...somethin'," said Jimmy. "Talk to Jimmy, spend half-day with Jimmy, shag Jimmy.  Somethin'...."

"Maybe ya need someone new," said Alex, not opening his eyes. "Someone not quite so busy."

"Ah, but I _love_ m'Thomas so," said Jimmy.  He sighed. "He's the only one fer me."

Alex turned onto his stomach and rested his head on his arms so that he and Jimmy were looking at each other. "That's the way I am about m'Stanley, too," he said. "Married or no, he's the only one I want."

"It's _hard_ to love one person _so_ much," said Jimmy.

"Aye...."

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jimmy had barely set foot in his room, when Thomas was there, peppering him with questions about his trip.

"The first night I went to a party where the blokes dressed up as birds," said Jimmy.

"You went to a drag ball???" Thomas said.

"Ya told me to find other interests," Jimmy said, grinning.

"Tha's not _quite_ what I had in mind, love."

"The host made up m'face like a woman n' loaned me a dress," said Jimmy. "Everyone said I was so beautiful."

"You _are_ beautiful, Jimmy," said Thomas. "You _know_ that."

"But it were _nice_ t'hear it, even if I was made up like a woman," said Jimmy. "We drank champagne n' laughed n' danced.  There were even blokes made up like picture stars, n' they were dead ringers, fer sure."

"So you enjoyed yourself...? Thomas asked.

"'Yes," said Jimmy, "until the police came n' shut the whole thing down."

Thomas looked alarmed. "The _police_ raided the ball???"

"Aye, but I hid in the closet with another bloke, Alex, and we stayed there fer an hour, till they were gone."

Thomas just stared at Jimmy.

Jimmy told Thomas about swinging on the rope and doing cannonballs into the lake.

"'It were like bein' a boy again," he said, "only I never did cannonballs off a rope into the water when I was a boy.  Now tha' I've done it, I wish I had."

"Hmmmm...," Thomas was watching Jimmy carefully.

Jimmy nodded and smiled at the memory of his trip, which now seemed quite distant.

"'Was nice bein' young n' free," said Jimmy wistfully, "even if it were just fer two days."

@@@

A few days later, Jimmy was down in the kitchen, when Mrs. Hughes walked in and said, "Jimmy, ya have a visitor."

Jimmy went to the back door.  It was Alex.

"Good t' see ya, mate," Jimmy said, grinning.

"You, too," said Alex.

"Why don't ya come in fer a bit, have some tea?"

"No, thank you, m'ride is waiting." Alex grinned. "The banker, ya know.  Just wanted t'say hello."

"Glad ya stopped by."

"Hope you'll come to York again," Alex said. "It was fun, swinging on the rope n' actin' foolish."  They both laughed.

Thomas was watching from down the hall, smoking a cigarette.

Jimmy shut the door.

"Who was that?" Thomas asked.

"Alex from the party," Jimmy said. "The bloke I hid in the closet with."

"He's _very_ handsome."

"He is rather, ain't he?" Jimmy said, smirking. "He made a beautiful woman, too."

Thomas tapped off his ashes and feigned nonchalance. "Do you...fancy him...?"

 _You bloody fool,_ Jimmy thought. _I fancy you n' only you, but ya can't even see tha' no more, so busy ya are tryin' to be Carson._

"And what if I do?"

Thomas gave him a chilly stare and exhaled smoke.  It lingered around his face and made him look like a genie. "Don't _toy_ with me, Jimmy, I'm not some schoolboy."

Jimmy looked him square in the eye. "Neither am I, Thomas."

@@@

Later that week, Thomas pulled Jimmy aside after breakfast.

"I'm free tonight," he said. "Why don't we catch a picture in town?"

Jimmy became very excited. "Ya mean it? No cancellin' on me?"

Thomas nodded and smiled. "Yes, I mean it.  We'll leave right after dinner."

They walked into town and saw "The Thief of Baghdad" with Douglas Fairbanks, which they both enjoyed.  Then they went to the Dog and Duck to have a pint, which turned into several and a few whiskey shots, too, so that by the time they left, they were both a bit squiffy.

As they walked home, they talked and laughed, and Thomas was as attentive as he could be on a public road.  Jimmy was basking in the glory of Thomas, as they hadn't been out anywhere together in ages--not since Thomas had become butler, in fact.

They were walking through the park, when Thomas suddenly pulled Jimmy behind the hedges and kissed him passionately and deeply.  Jimmy felt his stomach flip like it did while he was flying through the air as a cannonball.

Jimmy responded to the kiss ardently and wrapped his arms around Thomas' neck.  He pressed his body against the other man's, wishing they could meld into one.

"Remember when we first did it, Thomas?" Jimmy breathed softly.

Thomas smiled in the darkness. "I'll never forget."

"Ya were so kind n' gentle."

"Of course," said Thomas chuckling. "Were you expecting me to be a brute?"

"I just remember bein' so close to ya," said Jimmy, burrowing his nose into Thomas' neck and drinking in the scent of his day-old cologne. "It were like we were one person.  Never felt tha' close to another livin' soul in m'whole life."

Jimmy took Thomas' hand and meandered drunkenly through the shrubs.  Suddenly he tripped and rolled down a small incline, dragging Thomas along with him onto the grass.  Jimmy wrapped himself around Thomas like a sloth and began kissing him.

"Let's do it right here n' now," he whispered, "like squirrels."

Thomas looked around. "This is too open, Jimmy.  But I know a good place."

They returned to the Downton estate and walked the grounds until they came to a small, dilapidated wood structure.

"This is the shed I hid His Lordship's dog in," said Thomas.

"Shite, _no!_ "  Jimmy grinned.

Thomas nodded.  He lifted the latch and opened the door.  Taking Jimmy's hand, he led him inside.  Then he closed the door.  The shed was dark inside, except for a bit of moonlight filtering through some cracks.

There was a wooden workbench in the shed, and Thomas unfolded some old newspapers and covered the workbench with them.  He lifted Jimmy up onto the workbench.

Thomas dropped his own pants and then removed Jimmy's shoes, trousers, and underwear so that, except for his socks, he was sitting naked from the waist down on the newspaper.  Jimmy started laughing.

"By the time we're done, I'll have the sports section all over m'arse."

"I'd rather read your beautiful bum than the news any day," Thomas declared.

Thomas slid his arms under Jimmy's coat and around his body, then pulled him close.  Jimmy ran his hands through Thomas' hair and shoved a passionate tongue into his mouth, caressing the other man's lips with his own.  Thomas moaned in appreciation and began stroking Jimmy's prick.  Jimmy sighed, and his head lolled back.

"I can't _bear_ the thought of you being with another bloke, Jimmy," Thomas breathed as he kissed Jimmy's neck. "Makes me bloody _crazy_ , it does."

Thomas rubbed his hand over his hair to pick up some grease, spit on his fingers, and then gently slid them into Jimmy.  Jimmy whimpered with pleasure as he clung to Thomas.  He touched his forehead to Thomas' and exhaled slowly.

"The thought of another chap kissing you, touching you, being _inside_ you," Thomas whispered, "drives me t'near _madness_."

Thomas stroked inside of Jimmy and along his prick, alternating the two movements.  Jimmy gasped and whimpered.  He trembled and then sobbed.  Thomas made a soothing sound and kissed Jimmy's mouth, teasing his lips with his tongue.  Then he kissed and nuzzled his neck.

"You, you, haven't... _been_ with Alex, have you, Jimmy...?" Thomas murmured through the kisses.

"N, n, no, m'love," Jimmy breathed raggedly. "Aaaah...we're...just...oooh, Thomas... _friends_."

Jimmy began slowly and smoothly moving his hips against Thomas' fingers, and Thomas adjusted his rhythm to heighten the sensation for Jimmy.  Jimmy moaned long and low.

"Are you...you... _thinking_ about him at all...?" Thomas prodded meekly, his tone lacking its usual cool confidence.

"Noooooo," Jimmy moaned. "Ooooooh, god, Thomas, ooooh, god...I want _only_ you."

Thomas sighed with relief and began kissing Jimmy fervently.  "I'm glad, Jimmy," he murmured between kisses.  "I'm so _very_ glad.  Because I want you all to myself.  _My_ Jimmy.  My _beautiful_ Jimmy."

"I could _never_ be with anyone else 'cept you, Thomas," Jimmy breathed.  "I love ya with all m'heart."

"I love you, too, Jimmy," Thomas said, his voice ragged with desire.  "More than anything in this world."

Thomas rubbed his hair again, added some spit, applied the mixture to his prick, and began gently moving into Jimmy with slow, rhythmic strokes.

"Ooooooh, I _love_ ya Thomas, oh, God, I _love_ ya so...."

Thomas quickly became lost in his lust, his eyes black, sweat dripping off his face.

" _Christ_ , Jimmy...," he panted, quickening his thrusts in response to Jimmy's faster hip movements and breathing.  "Christ almighty...."

Jimmy nearly blacked out as he climaxed in the dark shed.  He no longer existed, but was part of Thomas.  He clung to Thomas as the other man climaxed, shuddering and moaning Jimmy's name, and covering his face with kisses.

 _Let me just stay here,_ Jimmy begged in his heart.  _Let me just stay here in m'Thomas' arms forever, please...._


	4. Chapter 4

Jimmy was counting the days until his birthday.

He and Thomas were going to a _real_ concert in London, "Ira and George: A Night With The Gershwins."  The tickets had sold out quickly, but Thomas had managed to get two for the night of Jimmy's birthday.  They would have dinner, attend the concert, and then stay the night at a hotel.  They would be gone from the Abbey for _three_ whole days!

The week before his birthday, Jimmy passed Thomas coming out of his office after breakfast.  He knew _something_ was wrong the moment he saw his face.  Thomas motioned for Jimmy to come inside, and he shut the door.

Thomas sat down, rubbed his face, and clasped his hands in front of his nose like he was praying (which he likely was).

"God, _how_ do I tell you this...?" he sighed.  "I marked the wrong day for your birthday on the calendar.  I was thinking the _right_ day, a Tuesday, but I marked it on the calendar for the _following_ week instead.  And on the _right_ day, your birthday, we have two new footmen starting, and I _must_ be here."

Jimmy could feel his insides twisting.  He tried to glare at Thomas, but couldn't see for the tears.  He quickly blinked them away.

"It was a stupid mistake," Thomas said.  "Entirely my own, and I apologize for it."

"But we have concert tickets fer m'birthday!" Jimmy said.  "The Gershwins!  Been lookin' forward to this fer months."

"I'm going to try exchanging the tickets," said Thomas.  "We can go to something else another time."

"I want to go to _this_ concert on _my birthday!_ " said Jimmy.  "Maybe I could take somebody else...like Alex."

Thomas' whole demeanor changed. "You're _not_ taking Alex," he hissed.

"Why not?" said Jimmy indignantly.  "He's handsome and charmin'.  And unlike _you_ , he has _plenty_ o' free time."

"You're _not_ taking Alex to a concert with _my_ tickets!" Thomas snarled.

"What a bloody, selfish arse ya are!" Jimmy yelled.  "Choke on yer damn tickets then!"

Jimmy stormed out of the office and upstairs to his room.  Thomas followed and closed the door.

Jimmy turned to face Thomas.  " _You_ don't want to be with me, but ya don't want _anyone_ else t'be with me, either, is tha' it?"

Thomas rubbed his eyes.  He looked exhausted.

"Ah, Jimmy, of _course_ I want to be with you, but I had _no idea_ the job was going to be like this.  I've watched Carson for fourteen years, but it's _very_ different now that I'm having to do it all _myself_.  Even when I was under-butler, there was _so much_ I wasn't involved with that I'm now completely responsible for."

Jimmy just glared at Thomas.

Thomas continued.  "With new footmen, I have to do orientation when they get here.  The butler _always_ does that.  They're _my_ staff."

"You couldn't do it when we get back?"

"The butler _always_ gives orientation on the _first_ day of work," said Thomas.  "That's how Mr. Carson did it.  How would it _look_ if I wasn't here?"

Jimmy laughed darkly. "God forbid things don't _look_ right."  His voice dripped with contempt.  " _Surely_ we can't have tha'."

"Jimmy, _please_ ," Thomas begged.  " _Try_ to understand."

Jimmy gave up trying to hold back his tears. "I understand that _I_ want to spend m'birthday in London with _you_ and the Gershwins, but you'd rather be here orientin' the next Alfred."  Jimmy sobbed and wiped his face with his hand.

"I hate seein' ya like this," Jimmy," said Thomas, his own eyes moist.  "It breaks m'heart."

"Welcome t' the bloody club!" Jimmy sobbed.

Thomas approached Jimmy and tried to embrace him, but Jimmy roughly pushed him away.

"I'll be down to lay the table fer lunch in a minute," Jimmy said, wetting a washcloth to clean his face.  "Ya'd best get back down to yer _damn_ office n' sit behind yer _feckin_ ' desk like Carson would be doin' right now."

Jimmy turned to yell at Thomas. "We can't have things not _lookin_ ' just right 'round here!  Jesus, Mary n' Joseph, the _world_ might stop spinnin'!"

Thomas held out his hands imploringly. Then he curled them into fists, turned, and walked out.

As soon as Jimmy wiped his face, more tears would come, and he'd have to wipe it again.  By the time he went downstairs, his face and eyes were all red.  In silence he lay out the dining table for lunch.  Alfred looked puzzled at Jimmy's obvious distress, but he said nothing.

When Thomas came in to check the table, Jimmy refused to look at him, though he could feel Thomas' eyes on him.

Jimmy made it through lunch, then realized he just couldn't go back to work that afternoon.  He went upstairs, changed out of his uniform, grabbed his pack, and headed out the back door for York.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dark and intense.

Alex wasn't home when Jimmy knocked on the door of his flat in York, so he went to the pub he'd gone to before to have a pint.

"You were at the ball on Friday, weren't you?"

Jimmy turned to see an attractive older bloke sitting on the bar stool next to him.  He hadn't even noticed the bloke taking the seat, so lost was he in his thoughts of Thomas and their fight.

"The blond in the blue dress," the man continued.

"Ya recognize me without the make-up?" Jimmy asked.

"I saw you when you first came in and Nigel dragged you through the living room and upstairs," said the man.  "Then coming downstairs later all turned out.  I was watching you most of the night."

"Who were you dressed as?" Jimmy asked.

"Brunhilda," said the man.

"With the braids n' the huge shield," said Jimmy.  "I remember ya."

"I would've come over and introduced myself, but I saw you were with someone," said the man.

"Alex," said Jimmy.  "I met him tha' night, actually."

"So you two aren't together?" asked the man.

Jimmy shook his head.

"I'm Richard Peabody," the man said.  He extended his hand.

"Jimmy Kent."

"I have some wonderful wine back at my place," said Richard.  "Much better than the vinegar they serve here.  I'm just a few blocks away...."

Jimmy went with Richard to his house, which was quite nice and elegantly furnished.  Richard brought out several wines, described them to Jimmy, and let him pick one to start with.

They exchanged the basic pleasantries and getting-to-know-you questions.  Then Jimmy started talking about his situation with Thomas.

"He's the butler now," said Jimmy, "and it's changed him.  It's changed _us_ , the way things used to be.  He ain't got time fer me like before or he's too tired.  If we do things, it's always last minute, we can't make plans."

Richard listened sympathetically and kept refilling Jimmy's glass.  After they finished the first bottle, Richard opened another.

"I used to be so _good_ at bein' alone," said Jimmy. "Jimmy contra mundi.  I lived it.  Never realized I _needed_ anyone till I got with Thomas."

Jimmy knew he was talking _way_ too much, but his judgement was always piss-poor when he drank.  And Richard was such a great listener....

Jimmy told him about the birthday concert mix up.

"If I had a handsome bloke like you, I'd _always_ get his birthday right," Richard declared.  "Hell, I'd have it tattooed on my goddamned _chest!_

Jimmy laughed like this was the funniest shite he'd ever heard.  He was feeling so light and floaty.  Weeeeee....

"I _must_ kiss those perfect lips of yours," said Richard.

He moved to sit next to Jimmy on the sofa, adoration in his eyes; Jimmy was so hungry for it.  Richard leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips.  Jimmy's head began to swim.

"So soft...," Richard said.  "Like silk."  He kissed Jimmy again.  His eyes were black and full of desire.  "You are just about the most handsome lad I've ever seen."  He laughed.  "And I've seen _plenty_."  Richard put his hand on Jimmy's thigh and began stroking it.

Jimmy was feeling fine and powerful.

_Let's give this bloke a real thrill...._

Jimmy drunkenly straddled Richard's lap, draped his arms around his neck, and began kissing him, using all his tricks, all the things he'd learned from Thomas: sucking his lips, running his tongue along the inside edges of his mouth, playful little nips.  He began running his fingers through Richard's hair.

Richard was moaning and trembling.  He ran his hands up and down Jimmy's body.

 _Haaaaaaaa, I've got ya,_ Jimmy thought with elation.  _I can do even better than this._

Jimmy began kissing Richard deeply.  He could feel Richard's erection under his arse as he sat in his lap.

"God, Jimmy, I _want_ you."

_Of course you do.  You want me so bad, it hurts._

Jimmy continued kissing Richard sensuously, getting him even more aroused.

_He wants me, he wants me, he wants me, he wants me...._

Jimmy suddenly realized that Richard was undressing him.  The next thing he knew, he was completely naked.  Richard pushed Jimmy down on the sofa.  He lay on top of him, parted his thighs, and slipped his fingers inside of him.  Jimmy started to panic.  This wasn't fun anymore.  That's when it hit him that he was _more_ than just drunk, he'd been _drugged_.

"Richard, no, I want to stop.  I can't do this.  I love m'Thomas.  I want to stop. Stop, Richard.  Stop.  _Please, man, bloody hell, stop!_ "

Jimmy tried to push Richard off, but the drugs had made his limbs weak and useless.  Besides, Richard was twice his size and was like dead weight lying on top of him.

So Jimmy just lay there, helplessly, while Richard had his way with him.

Afterwards, Richard got up and left the room, leaving Jimmy on the sofa, drugged and starkers.  Jimmy lay there drifting in and out of consciousness for hours until the drugs and alcohol finally began wearing off.

Richard came back into the room, and Jimmy watched him, not saying a word.  Richard picked up Jimmy's clothes and lay them on his stomach, then stood looking down at him.

"Sorry, love, but if you play the game, you have to follow the rules, and the first rule is--" Richard leaned over to look Jimmy in the face.  He raised his eyebrows "--If you _start_ somethin', you _finish_ it."

Jimmy put on his clothes and went into the bathroom to use the toilet.  Judging by his soreness and what he saw in the bowl, he'd been had several times, though he could only remember one.  He pulled the chain and watched it swirl around and disappear.  Along with it went his dignity and self-respect.

 _He's right, ya know_ , Jimmy thought.  _Yer slutty self asked fer it._

"Want a ride to the bus stop?" Richard asked.

"I'll walk."

@@@

When Jimmy got home, he undressed and put on his dressing gown.  He ran himself a bath as hot as he could stand.  Then he sat in it and cried for a long time.

Jimmy was in his room putting on his pajamas when Thomas barged in without knocking.

"Where _were_ you???"

Jimmy didn't look at him.

"After ya broke m'bloody heart, I needed to get away fer awhile," Jimmy said acidly.

Thomas' eyes were narrowed, and he was studying Jimmy's body.  "What are those marks from?"

"What marks?"

"The ones on your arms and thighs."

"I don't remember."

"What do you mean you don't _remember?_ "

"I mean I don't remember how I got 'em," Jimmy said, irritated.  He pulled on his pajama bottoms.

Thomas looked concerned.  "Jimmy, what's _wrong?_ "

Jimmy still refused to look at Thomas.  His voice shook as he spoke with forced calmness.  "Thomas, _please_ just leave me be n' let me go to bed."

Thomas stood frozen, his mouth agape, his face registering shock.

Jimmy closed his eyes. " _Please_ , Thomas," he hissed.  "Leave me _alone!_ "

Thomas didn't move.

Jimmy stormed across the room, grabbed Thomas, and shoved him towards the door.  It reminded Thomas of how Jimmy had thrown him out after the infamous kiss.

" _Get out_ , Thomas!" Jimmy yelled.  " _Get out!_ "

Jimmy shoved Thomas into the hallway and slammed the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Jimmy avoided Thomas the rest of the week.  He not only was horribly ashamed of what he'd done, but he didn't feel well, either.

Thomas was confused and hurt, and the sight of it tore at Jimmy's heart.  He could see that Thomas wanted to talk, but Jimmy refused to even give him the opportunity. Every time they were alone, Jimmy would hurry off.  He avoided Thomas at meals.  Thomas asked Jimmy to come into his office several times, but Jimmy just flat out ignored him.  Jimmy shoved a small wedge under his door at night to keep it from opening.

By the end of the week, Jimmy knew something was wrong with his body.  Pus was dripping from the tip of his prick.  It burned like hell to piss.  His balls ached.  His arse itched.

He was almost _certain_ that bloody bastard Richard had given him "The Clap."

But there was absolutely _no way_ he could tell anyone.

He tried to remember the remedies he'd heard of to treat it.  Pepper and water was one.  He went to the kitchen in the middle of the night to mix up a glass.

"Jimmy, whaddaya doin?"  It was Mrs. Patmore.

"I couldn't sleep," Jimmy said.  "Just makin' m'self somethin' to help it."

"Pepper helps ya sleep?  Never heard tha'."

"Ya, well, it's somethin' new."

Within a half hour of drinking the concoction, Jimmy's stomach began to burn, and he ran to bathroom.  He ended up spending half the night on the toilet with the runs.

"The Clap" remained.

Jimmy had also heard you should squeeze the prick to extract the pus, but when he tried this, the pain was so excruciating, he nearly screamed and had to stop.

He'd heard that garlic paste could also cure "The Clap."  Again at night he took a clove from the kitchen, chopped it up out in the shed, and then mashed it with a stone. He added some olive oil and mixed well.

 _Pull m'self some greens n' I could make a bloomin' salad_ , he thought.

He smeared the paste onto strips of cloth and applied them to his privates and arse.  It felt disgusting.  He slept with the strips on all night and removed them in the morning.

Jimmy was eating breakfast when Alfred suddenly looked up and wrinkled his nose.

"What's tha' smell?"

Jimmy ignored him.

Alfred continued to sniff.  "It's _you_ , Jimmy!" he exclaimed.

"I smell it, too," said Anna.  "Smells like garlic."

Jimmy slammed down his fork.

"I ate some garlic, all right?" he yelled.  "Can't a chap eat garlic without the whole world gettin' in his business???"

"There's no need to raise yer voice, Jimmy," said Mrs. Hughes.  "I'm sure nobody meant to offend you."

Jimmy's jaw twitched.  He threw his napkin on the table, stood up, and stormed off.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Alfred.  "He's been acting barmy all week."

"I caught him in the kitchen the other night mixing pepper and water to help him sleep," said Mrs. Patmore.

"Pepper fer sleeping?" said Mrs. Hughes.  "I've never heard of such a thing."

"Neither have I," said Mrs. Patmore.

"I'm going to mention it to Mr. Barrow," said Mrs. Hughes.

@@@

"Come sleep with me tonight," Thomas whispered as Jimmy passed him in the hall later that morning.

"I'm still not feeling well," Jimmy replied.

"Still?" Thomas said, concerned.  "I'm goin' to have Dr. Clarkson come out, you've felt poorly all week."

" _No!_ " Jimmy said adamantly.  "I don't need Dr. Clarkson, I just need to be left _alone_."

Jimmy hurried off, but he could feel the hurt in Thomas' stare.

 _Ah, my darlin' Thomas, I don't want to give ya m'prick disease,_ Jimmy thought _, and I don't want ya to hate me, and ya would if ya knew what I did, love....Oh, how you'd hate me...._

When Jimmy woke up Sunday morning, he knew he was running a fever.

 _I just have to ride this thing out_ , he thought.  _Likely this is the worst of it_.

Jimmy managed to make it through the day, but by nightfall he knew his fever was spiking.  He changed into his evening livery to serve dinner, anyway.

He entered the kitchen.

Alfred looked at Jimmy and grimaced.  "Blimey, Jimmy, ya look awful."

"Yer no prize, either, ya big ninny," Jimmy snarled.

"You do look sick, Jimmy," Thomas said.  He reached out to feel Jimmy's forehead, but Jimmy jerked away.

"Just let me serve the food, Thomas," Jimmy said quietly.  Thomas was going to protest, but Jimmy grabbed the tray of chicken and headed upstairs.  Thomas followed to pour the wine.

Things started off smoothly, Jimmy up and down the stairs, serving, rounding the table like a pro.

 _Even with a fever and a diseased prick, I'm still the finest footman in all of Yorkshire_ , he thought smugly.

He bounded up the stairs with another tray, entered the dining room, and turned to begin serving.  Then the room started spinning, the tray fell out of his hands, and the floor suddenly jumped up to meet him.


	7. Chapter 7

When Jimmy opened his eyes, he was in bed wearing pajamas, and Dr. Clarkson was sitting next to him.  Thomas was standing next to the doctor.

His groin felt like it was on fire.

"How long have I been out?" he asked.

"Several hours," said Thomas.

"You have a severe case of Gonorrhea," said Dr. Clarkson, as casually as if he were discussing the weather.  "I extracted as much of the pus as I could while you were out." He picked up a medicine bottle sitting on the nightstand.  "Add three tablespoons of this to each pitcher of water, and drink as much as you can during the day.  You need to flush out the infection."  He set the bottle on the nightstand.  "And complete bed rest for the next few days."

As Dr. Clarkson spoke, Thomas' face was a mask of frozen professionalism.

Dr. Clarkson looked at Thomas.  "Aspirin for the fever, and if it spikes over 104 again, start cold compresses and call me."

Thomas nodded.

After Clarkson left, Thomas sat on the bed.

"Does anyone else know about this?" Jimmy asked timidly.

"No," said Thomas.  "Just that you're ill."

Jimmy stared at the wall.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Thomas asked.

Jimmy told Thomas how he'd met Richard in the York pub and gone home with him to drink fine wine.  Then, how he'd started feeling strange and how Richard had taken advantage of him.

"I'm sure he slipped somethin' into m'drink," Jimmy said.  "I were more than just squiffy."

"That's _rape_ , Jimmy," said Thomas.  "That bloke raped you."

"I also _kissed_ him, Thomas," Jimmy said uneasily.  "More than once."

"I don't care _what_ you did," Thomas said, "he had no right to bugger you after you told him to stop."

"And I mighta sat in his lap a bit, too," Jimmy said meekly, "n', n', uh, let him... _undress_ me."

Thomas winced, and Jimmy's stomach twisted, as he knew he'd hurt him badly.

" _No_ means _no_ , Jimmy," Thomas said quietly.  "And _stop_ means _stop_.  Doesn't matter how far ya went, whether ya were starkers or not.  What he did was _wrong_."

"What _I_ did was _wrong_ ," said Jimmy, "n' I'm sorry fer it.  I'm _so_ sorry, Thomas. I was angry n' drugged n' not right in the head."  Jimmy was crying now, doubled over as he sat in bed.  His loins ached, and so did his heart.  " _Please_ don't hate me, Thomas.  I already hate m'self enough fer _both_ of us."

Thomas squeezed Jimmy's shoulder and poured a glass of water.  He handed it to Jimmy.

"Drink," Thomas said.

Jimmy drank the entire glass.

"Get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning," said Thomas.

Jimmy slid down under the blankets, and Thomas turned off the light.

"I love you so, Thomas," Jimmy said.  " _Truly_ , I do."

Thomas paused, not looking at Jimmy, and then shut the door.

@@@

Thomas was kind but cool towards Jimmy during the following week.  He showed great concern about Jimmy's health and the state of his recovery, but that was all.  Aside from the occasional shoulder squeeze, there was no other physical contact.  Jimmy longed for a hug or a kiss, something to show that Thomas still loved him, but he got nothing.  The one time Jimmy tried to initiate a hug and kiss, Thomas had not responded to either, simply remaining still and then excusing himself afterwards.  When Jimmy had looked into his eyes upon pulling away, he'd seen chilly, guarded, professional Thomas and no tenderness whatsoever.  Jimmy had seen that look before, but _never_ directed at _him_.

 _He hates me...._ Jimmy had thought bitterly.  _I knew he would...._

Jimmy wanted to talk, but he didn't know what to say.  And Thomas was so busy with his duties as butler; always, always _so_ busy.

"Ya have a visitor, Jimmy," Mrs. Hughes told him one afternoon the following week while he was polishing the silver.

Jimmy figured it was probably Alex, driving by with Stanley again.  He was grateful for the visit, as he desperately needed cheering up.

Instead, it was Richard.

"I may have, uh, given you... _something_."

"Ya mean like 'The Clap'?" Jimmy said darkly.

Richard grimaced and nodded.

"I also wanted to apologize for my, uh...behavior," he said.  "I got, uh...a bit carried away with your considerable charms, and, uh, was admittedly a mite...boorish.  And let's be frank, you were _quite_ the little tease, which is not necessarily a _bad_ thing....  Anyway, I'd love t'see you again, Jimmy.  We'll start fresh, and I _promise_ I'll be a perfect gentleman.  I could take you out for a nice dinner and maybe a picture...?"

Jimmy stared at him. "I don't think so."

"Aw come on, lad," Richard said.  "I'd _really_ like to see you again."

Jimmy shook his head.

Richard sighed.  He turned and headed back to his car.

Thomas came to stand next to Jimmy.

"Who's that?" he asked.

"The one I told ya about."

Thomas glanced at him sharply. "The one who buggered you?"

Jimmy nodded.

Thomas walked out to the car, where Richard was just about to get in.  Suddenly Thomas grabbed Richard's shoulder, spun him around, and slugged him full force in the face.  The two men began exchanging blows there in the gravel.  Richard was bigger than Thomas, but Thomas was madder--enraged, in fact.  His expression was one of out-of-control fury, a snarl distorting his fine features.

Richard was trying desperately to get into his car and escape, but Thomas kept dragging him back and pummeling him, becoming angrier with each punch.

Finally, Richard managed to climb into his car and close the door.  His face was a bloody mess and his expression one of absolute terror as Thomas continued to hit him, even as he sat fumbling for the keys.  Richard finally started the car, and it lurched forward as he put it in gear.  Thomas used the opportunity of Richard's hands being occupied to get in several final blows to the man's already-wrecked face.

The car accelerated and bounced along the gravel, leaving Thomas standing there wiping his mouth.  The car suddenly stopped some distance from the house, and Richard turned around in his seat.  "Ya barmy bastard!!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, and then he hit the gas and drove off, his tires throwing up gravel in their wake.

Thomas turned and walked back towards the house.  He'd definitely fared better in the fight than Richard had but was still a mess: scrapes on his face, a fat lip, his hair and clothes dirty and disheveled.

By then a whole crowd had gathered outside to watch.  The group included Mrs. Hughes, Bates, Anna, Alfred, Phyllis, some hall boys, and the entire kitchen staff.

Nobody said a word.

Thomas looked at the group and straightened his livery.

"The show is _over_ ," he said curtly.  "Back to work."

The staff headed into the house.

Jimmy stood staring at Thomas in shock.  Thomas glanced at him coolly and went inside.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Jimmy entered Thomas' office and shut the door.  He sat in front of the desk, lay his arms upon it, and leaned forward to look Thomas in the face.

"I _understand_ why ya hate me, Thomas.  Truly, I do."

Thomas sighed.  "I don't hate _you_ , Jimmy, but I _do_ hate what you did.  You went home with some strange bloke you met in a pub. _That's_ what really bothers me.  You got drunk and were drugged and taken advantage of _by some rotter who picked you up in a pub_."

Jimmy slumped in the chair.

"I guess I'm partially to blame," Thomas continued.  "I shouldn't have cancelled your birthday trip, that was _far_ too important to you.  I suppose Bates could've done the footman orientations, he probably would've been thrilled.  Alfred could've assisted him."

"Alfred???"

Thomas cocked an eyebrow. "Yes, _Alfred_...."

Jimmy continued to grimace.

Thomas said, "Now I can't help wondering if your going to run off to York and go home with some stranger _every_ time we have a row...."

"I'm _sorry_ , Thomas," Jimmy moaned.  "God, I'm _so_ sorry.  I _wish_ I could take it all back, but I _can't_."

"What you did _hurt_ , Jimmy," Thomas said fiercely, his face finally revealing his pain.  "I don't think you truly realize _how much_."  Thomas' eyes were brimming, and the sight of it was like a knife in Jimmy's heart.  He felt his own eyes filling, and he blinked hard.

"I don't know what else I can say, Thomas," he said hoarsely.  He shook his head.  "I don't know how to make this right.  I never meant to hurt ya.  _Truly_ I didn't."

"Well, you _did_ , Jimmy," Thomas said. "You _really did_...."

Jimmy rested his head on his arms and wished he were dead.  Thomas got up from behind the desk and left the room.

@@@

Several days later, Jimmy once again entered Thomas' office, shut the door, and sat in the same chair.

"Thomas...," he began slowly.  "I'm thinking I need some time on m'own fer awhile.  Time to sort things out."

"All right," Thomas asked.  "How many days ya need?"

Jimmy hesitated a moment, then said, "I think I should leave Downton."

"You mean go on holiday...?"

"I'm givin' m'notice, Thomas," Jimmy said softly.  "I'll be leavin' in a month."

Thomas looked shocked.  "Giving notice???  But _why_???  Is it because of _me_ , Jimmy?  Because of what I said the other day?"

"No, Thomas, _no_ ," Jimmy said quickly.  "It's because of _me_.  I need to be on m'own fer awhile to, to sort things out."

"What _things_?" Thomas asked.

Jimmy sighed and struggled to explain.  "I, I _need_ ya too much fer m'happiness, Thomas.  I don't who I am _without_ ya no more.  I just kinda wander about...."

Thomas was quiet for a moment as he tried to digest this.

"If you leave here, what will you do?" he asked.  "How will you live?"

"Got a bit o' money saved," said Jimmy, "and I'll be playin' piano in two York pubs several nights a week.  Alex is lettin' me sleep on his sofa fer free.  I just have t'be out when his lover is there, tha's all."

"Are, are you _sure_ about this, Jimmy?" Thomas stammered.  "Do you, you maybe want to _think_ on it a bit...?"

"I've thought on it, Thomas," said Jimmy, "n' I _need_ to do this."

@@@

Thomas came to Jimmy's room late that night and tried to convince him to stay.

"How 'bout if I make you a valet?" he said.  "I could talk to His Lordship about it."

"I don't want tha', Thomas.  Please...."  Jimmy covered his face with his hands.  "Don't make this harder than it already is."

"I _still_ don't understand why you're leaving Jimmy," Thomas said, his voice cracking.  "Are you _sure_ it's not me?  You're not in love with me anymore?  Maybe you're in love with Alex?"

"No, _no_ , it's not _you_ , and it's not _Alex_.  It's _me_ , Thomas.  _I'm_ the reason I'm leavin'."

Jimmy ran his fingers through his hair and left them there, like he was going to pull it all out by the roots.  He certainly felt like it.

"I, I think I'm _too_ in love with ya, Thomas.  I truly don't know what I'm about anymore.  I look in the mirror n' there's a _stranger_ starin' back at me...."

" _Too_ in love with me???" Thomas asked, confused.  "What does _tha'_ mean?"

Jimmy sighed.  "It means there's a _we_ , but no _me_ no more...."

The next day, both men had dark circles under their eyes and grim expressions.  The tension at breakfast was palpable as they shot each other intense looks while passing food and sipping tea.

Everyone knew something was going on, but not what, and nobody dared ask.

@@@

The following night, Thomas once again tried to change Jimmy's mind.

"Can't you figure out who you are _here?_ " he asked.  "Can't you sort things out _here?_ "

Jimmy looked at him with a deeply troubled expression.

"Thomas, I don't know _why_ I went home with tha' bloke Richard, 'ceptin' he were _nice_ t'me.  And I _wanted_ him to want me, I _needed_ him to, even though I didn't plan fer it to go as far as it did.  I _used_ to know what Jimmy Kent was about, but I _don't_ no more.  Who is this chap gettin' picked up by a strange bloke in a pub, Thomas???  I don't _know_ him n' he, he _worries_ me some...."

Thomas just stared at Jimmy.

"I need to do this on m'own," said Jimmy, "and I can't do it _here_."

@@@

The next evening, after dinner, Jimmy packed a bag and wrote the following letter to Thomas, which he sealed in an envelope and left on Thomas' dresser:

_Dearest Thomas,_

_I am leaving tonight instead of in a month because it is too hard to see the hurt on your face every day and know I am the reason.  I have to figure out who I am, Thomas.  I depend on you to make me happy and that is not right.  You have too much work already.  I will see you again soon.  I promise.  I must do this for both of us.  Mostly for me, though. I need to sort things out._

_I love you with all my heart and always will._

_J_

_P.S. Please send my final wages to Alex's flat.  The address is below.  No he is not my lover he is just a friend.  I swear it._


	9. Chapter 9

Thomas was in the garden having a smoke one Sunday night, when he heard a noise in the bushes. He went to see what it was, and out of the shadows emerged Jimmy.

Thomas put out his cigarette, and the two men moved into each other's arms.

"How are ya, Thomas?" Jimmy asked softly, stroking Thomas' hair with his fingertips.  "Are ya well?"

Thomas ran his hands over Jimmy's body, then hugged him tightly, savoring the feel of him in his arms.

"Yes," he said, "but I miss you _terribly_.  How are you, Jimmy?"

"Oh, dandy," Jimmy said in the same soft voice.  "I miss you, too."  Jimmy rested his head against Thomas' shoulder.

"How's work?" Thomas asked.

"It's all right," Jimmy said.  "Playin' two nights a week each at two pubs. Tips are good.  But if I get one more request fer 'Blow the Man Down,' I'll surely wretch."

Thomas chuckled.  "Are you sortin' things out?" he asked.

Jimmy thought for a moment.

"Maybe.... A little.... I don't know."

@@@

Thus began a strange routine.  Every Sunday night, while Thomas was out back smoking, Jimmy would appear in the garden.  Each would ask about the other's well being, and then they'd stand in the shadows, quietly holding each other.  Sometimes they'd kiss, too.

"Jimmy, how're you getting back to York these nights you come here?" Thomas asked while cuddling Jimmy during his third visit.  "It's too late to catch a bus."

"I sleep in tha' shed we made love in," Jimmy said softly. "Where ya hid Isis."

"You've been sleeping in a _shed_???" Thomas exclaimed.

Jimmy nuzzled and kissed his neck. "It's all right, Thomas," he murmured.  "Doesn't bother me."

"What will ya do when summer is over and it gets very cold?"

Jimmy chuckled. "Can't think tha' far ahead, love.  Please, just hold me n' let me hold you, eh?  _Please_...."

@@@

Later that night, while Jimmy was asleep in the shed, Thomas joined him, bringing food and blankets.  Thomas sighed and removed the newspapers Jimmy was using to cover himself.

"Thomas," Jimmy said sleepily.  "What are ya doin'?"

"Ssssssshhhh," said Thomas.  He handed Jimmy the sandwich he'd made and the jar of milk.  Jimmy sat up and began eating the sandwich.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Thomas spread out the blankets, crawled under them, and watched Jimmy finish the food and drink.

After Jimmy was back under the blankets, Thomas drew him close and kissed him tenderly.  Jimmy responded fervently, and soon they were moving together under the blankets.  They brought each other to climax with eager hands and rocking hips, their mouths locked together in deep, hungry kisses that neither wanted to stop.

Jimmy cried out as he came, for he and Thomas hadn't made love in a long time, and it was very intense.  Thomas soon followed, moaning and murmuring Jimmy's name as he rode out his orgasm.  They fell asleep spooning, Thomas behind Jimmy, because he was taller and they fit together best that way.

When Thomas woke up before dawn, all the blankets were doubled over and neatly tucked around him.

Jimmy was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

One Sunday night, Jimmy didn't show up in the garden, and Thomas was concerned.

The butler took a half day on Monday and went to York.  He found his way to the address Jimmy had provided in his letter.

He was about to knock on the door, when he saw a sign in the window, "Flat for Let, see manager next door."  The drapes were open, so Thomas could see inside the flat.  It looked unlived-in, with just furniture, and no personal possessions anywhere in sight.

"You interested in the flat?"

An elderly woman had come outside from next door and was standing next to Thomas.

"Actually, I'm looking for the two chaps who used to live here," Thomas said.

"Alex and Jimmy?" the woman said. "They moved out 'bout a week ago."

"Really?" Thomas said. "Did they leave a forwarding address?"

The woman shook her head.

"Do you know _why_ they left?" Thomas asked.

"There were a huge fight, a woman screamin' somethin' 'bout 'Stanley's boy whore,'" said the woman.  "It was awful.  She were attackin' them two young blokes, hittin' n' kickin' at 'em like she done lost 'er mind."

"Were either of them hurt?" Thomas asked.

"Not that I saw," said the woman.  "But she unnerved 'em, tha's fer sure.  They moved out a few days later."

"And you're sure they didn't leave a forwarding address or mention where they were going?" Thomas asked.

The woman shook her head.  "Didn't tell me nothin.  Just left."

Thomas returned to the Abbey, worried sick.

What had happened to Jimmy??? Where had he gone???

The very next day, he received the following letter:

_Dearest Thomas_

_I am sorry I did not come on Sunday._

_Stanleys wife found out about Alex and she came to the flat.  She screamed and attacked me because she thought I was Alex.  I said no I am Jimmy!  So she attacked the real Alex.  There were screaming and fighting.  The neighbors watched it._

_Stanley loves Alex but his wife will divorce him and take his money and children.  So he can not see Alex anymore.  There is no more flat and no more money.  I do not make enough to afford the flat.  Alex went to live with family in Liverpool until he can find a job._

_I stay with Nigel for now.  He is the bloke with drag balls.  I sleep on the sofa in the living room.  Nigel would like me in his bed but I said no.  He had a ball one night. I was Mary Pickford. I was a dead ringer for sure._

_Still love you with all my heart and hope you are well._

_xoxoxo_

_J_

_P.S. I miss you so._


	11. Chapter 11

It'd been a month since Jimmy had left Nigel's and begun walking.  Not to any place in particular, just south.

He'd written a detailed letter to Thomas explaining it all: 

_Dear Thomas_

_I am not at Nigels house anymore.  I had a disgusting experience which I could not take so I left.  The disgusting experience was this: it was hot so I sleep starkers under a sheet on the sofa.  I hear noise as I sleep late at night.  I woke up.  The sheet were off and Nigel was standing over me bringing himself off!!!_  
_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
_I yell what the bloody hell Nigel!  He said I must let him do this if I stay at his house and do not feck him.  I yell go to hell!  I will leave in the morning!  Get the feck away from me and let me sleep you bloody arse!_

_I left in the morning._

_Thomas, why won't blokes let me be when I sleep?  Hahaha!_

_I am walking south now.  I am a guest pianist in many village pubs.  The owners split my tips and I get dinner and can take food for breakfast.  I get a room at an inn or if it is warm I sleep in a barn or other building I can find.  Sometimes an owner will let me sleep in the back of the pub._

_I will write more later.  I am still sorting things out.  I am thinking about a plan._

_Still love you with all my heart and hope you are well._

_xoxoxo_

_J_

_P.S. Still miss you so._

@@@

The weather began to cool as summer came to an end.  Autumn was definitely in the air with crisp mornings and deep-blue skies.  The leaves were tinged with just a hint of color at the edges.

Jimmy knew he would soon need to spend every night at an inn or other heated place and wouldn't be able to walk in bad weather.  He would need to bring in more money.  Not much more, but more.

He was spending his first night at an inn in over a week.  He had bread, cheese, and a bit of roast from the last pub.  He'd also snagged a bottle of beer.  He lit himself a fire and sat staring into it for awhile.  Jimmy was about to draw himself a much-needed bath, when there was a knock at door.

He went to open it....

There stood Thomas.

Jimmy's face registered complete surprise.

"May I come in?" Thomas asked after a moment.

Jimmy stopped gawking and moved to let Thomas enter.  The men embraced, kissed, and then sat by the fire.

"How'n the _blazes_ did ya find me???" Jimmy asked.

"I saw the postmark on your last letter and started there.  I've been tracking you for three days, checking all the pubs and inns."

"Blimey," said Jimmy, impressed.  "A regular Sherlock Holmes, ya are...."

"So...what's your plan?" Thomas asked.

Jimmy laughed, embarrassed. "Don't have one yet."

"Where're you headed?"

"I, I don't know yet."

"Sounds lovely," said Thomas.  "May I join you?"

Once again, Jimmy looked surprised.

"I won't get in your way, Jimmy.  You can still sort things out on yer own.  We don't even have to walk together, if you don't want.  I'll stay ten feet behind you, how's that?" Thomas grinned.

"But, but, what about your job?" Jimmy stammered.

"Don't have one anymore," Thomas said casually.  "Gave notice a month ago, and here I am."

Jimmy's eyes grew huge. "You quit your job?  You _quit_ your job???  Are ya _daft_ , Thomas???"

"Perhaps.  I've certainly done plenty of daft things in my life."

Jimmy rubbed his face.  "Ah, god, Thomas...."  He stood up and paced around nervously.  "I'll be the _ruin_ of ya.  The ruin of us _both_."

Thomas laughed wryly.  "I was ruined a long time ago, Jimmy."

"You were _butler_ , Thomas.  You waited _fourteen_ years to be butler."

"I waited longer to find you."  Thomas gazed at Jimmy lovingly.  "I'd rather join you on your journey than exist at the Abbey, and that's all I've been doing since you left, Jimmy.  Nothing means anything anymore without you."

Jimmy's expression crumpled, and he began to cry.  "I don't deserve ya, Thomas Barrow," he choked out.  " _Truly_ , I don't."

Thomas' eyes were moist.  He grinned.  "Well, here I am, anyway."

Thomas held out his hand, and Jimmy came into his arms.  Jimmy held Thomas tightly and sobbed.

"Being butler was your _dream_ ," he said wistfully.

" _You_ are my dream," Thomas said softly.  He stroked Jimmy's hair.  "From the day we met."

Jimmy cried, completely overcome with emotion.

"After you figure out who ya are...," Thomas began gently.  "Think maybe we can look for a dream to _share_...?"

Jimmy nodded and snuffled.

"We'll pool our money," said Thomas.  "You can play piano, I can play poker.  That should keep us going for awhile."

Jimmy grinned through his tears and wiped his nose on his sleeve.  "We're quite a pair, aren't we?"

Thomas chuckled, pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to the blond.  "And if it all fails, I have an excellent reference from His Lordship in my bag, and you have yours from me."

They sat on the sofa and held each other for a long time.  There was just the sound of the crackling fire.  Jimmy stroked Thomas' hair.

"I used to be so _good_ at bein' alone, Thomas," he murmured.  "Wha' happened?"

"Maybe you found the love you were _meant_ to have," Thomas said.  He smiled.  "And your heart knows it, even if your head _doesn't_."

Thomas put his feet up and stretched out on the sofa with Jimmy.  They lay in each other's arms and watched the fire.  They were in no hurry.  They had all the time in the world....

@@@


End file.
